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2 etc [30 May 2009|08:47pm] [ music | explosions in the sky / first breath after coma ] i left my grandparents house this afternoon knowing it was the last time i would ever kiss my grandma's cheek or hold her hands. knowing i could continue to tell her i love her until the day i die because she could hear me no matter where her soul is out there in the universe. the change from yesterday to just today is exponential. yesterday she touched my face and told me how i can do anything; how to clean her favorite necklace because it is mine now. today, she didn't even open her eyes. as much as i want the suffering she's experienced the last few months to stop, i can't help but be selfish. she is leaving me with 22 years of amazing family memories that i will forever be grateful for. but i want more. i want her to give me lemons from her tree, try and get me to buy gaudy jewelry with her at the swap meet, tell me about a new musical i have to go see, ask me what good movies and books i've seen/read, introduce me to her friends at the country club with a huge smile on her face, ask me how my nails are doing, send me "pizza money" in the mail with a clipped out newspaper article of something that reminds her of me [usually justin timberlake related!], tell me how sweet i am when i tell her i love her.... the fact that her death is pending and could happen at any minute is a torture i've never experienced before. i don't want her to go, but i want her at peace. i want her to be with her parents and brother and grandparents and all her friends that have passed. i want her to be with her God that she loves and trusts so deeply. the sun was about to set as i was crossing the hoover dam. just as i started to see the vegas lights, it was gone. i felt...calm.

4 etc oh lindsay, you lost little puppy, you. [28 Jan 2009|12:28am] [ music | feist / inside & out ] i know i have the most interesting life EVER, but im done typing about it in here. time to go back to the rock & chisel , where its only for me! i'm going to start making my collage journal again too. i need some more beautiful things to hold in my hands. maybe i'll scan some of those and post them when i get there =]. maybe i'll post some music my brother and i make together once we make it =]. maybe not, so if you want to see or hear those things when they happen, just let me know and i'll be glad to email you! ciao belle<3

4 etc people are so awesome yeah? [27 Jan 2009|02:51am] ok so i've been to prague, the fucking pick pocket capital of the world. i've been to mexico and areas in many other european countries that really aren't much to brag about. in none of these places has anything ever happened to me. and guess what.... i get fucking pick pocketed at JET the night TI performs hahahahahahaha i was laughing the whole way home. at least TI took his shirt off and said he'd fuck me [well he said he'd fuck every girl there...but whatever. that detail isn't important.]. shit's wiggity whack! ps. give me your numbers! you can email it to me at lindsaymbeck@gmail.com if you dont want it public. but seriously, i dont know anyones number.

2 etc [25 Jan 2009|07:15pm] i'm not putting all my eggs in one basket. i think i might become a master juggler. a more selective lindsay has been ordered and is on truck for delivery! a smarter version is coming up next. stay tuned! ps. i miss him and its only been one day.

14 etc [24 Jan 2009|04:44pm] My Song 2.aif - my life fits snugly in a 10x5 storage unit. things are going to get really good; i can feel it.

16 etc ps. [22 Jan 2009|04:48pm] is it ok to judge someone by how they text?!

12 etc [22 Jan 2009|09:18am] so i had one cracker left and howard comes up to me and this conversation follows: him: "are those peanut butter crackers?!" me: "....yeah..." him: "i think those have that peanut butter that's been recalled..." me: "....um...." him: "yeah you might get salmonella poisoning now. heads up." thanks for keeping them in the work vending machines then, howard! THANKS A LOT! other than that, i realized how much i love my job. i tried convincing myself that i hated office jobs. then i came back to it and realized its pretty much the perfect place for my perfectionistic and monotonous task loving ways. i can't stop looking at furniture and decorating things online. i have this inkling to get rid of everything i currently own and start all over. why not? i've had most of this stuff for years. what better time than now? i have a weird crush on a boy originally from nigeria hahaha fucking leave it to me huh.

5 etc over & out [20 Jan 2009|03:45pm] [ music | erykah badu / on&on ] there's something very human to be said about being hurt and hurting someone in return so deeply; something i'd never truly experienced before. i've gone through about as much self-doubt and disappointment that one person can stand; i've neglected friends and family for the sake of my own dignity; i've made the biggest mistake of my life thus far. that being said, i wouldn't change a thing that has happened over the last 3 months. i held on as long as i could to something that meant the world to me, and i'll love him forever because he was my first of manys, but on saturday i'm letting go and leaving as much of it behind as i can. there is a bright light at the end of this seemingly neverending tunnel, making it all feel worthwhile and okay and possibly even perfect.

7 etc [19 Jan 2009|12:40am] kam and i found our future home!!! our move in date is march 15. its a complex right next to my brothers neighborhood =] until then...i'll be living back at my parents house. the packing starts tomorrow [if theres enough time in the day...which never seems to be the case!]. <3

17 etc my new jam [13 Jan 2009|11:29pm] John Legend - Everybody Knows.mp3 - John Legend i love me some john legend. im pretty positive john legend was playing when i lost my virginity. or jay-z. who knows...homeboy was from detroit. haha? one day is good, the next day is bad, and then the day after that is better. so...i really don't know how tomorrow will be but i'll let myself feel it and then at least i'll know i'm doing the best i can.

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